Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

:iconyuumei: More from yuumei


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
March 19
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
76,780 (48 today)
Favourites
888 (who?)
Comments
1,179
×

Memories

Journal Entry: Wed Mar 19, 2014, 8:59 AM






I've been in China for almost a week now, and all the memories I have of this place is flooding back. Unfortunately, many of those memories are quite negative. A lot of people commented on my last journal asking why my stepmom and half brother had tried to kill me. It's not a secret and I'm in a weird mood right now so I'll retell the story.


I last visited China almost five years ago. I was unfortunate enough to be stranded at the LAX airport for two days. During that time, I met another girl my age who was also returning to China to visit family. We talked for a long time and I found out her parents are also divorced like mine. She told me how her stepmom would regularly burn her with cigarette buds. I was horrified but I felt lucky that my stepmom is kind to me. I told her I was lucky to have a nice stepmom. I had never been so wrong.

When I first arrived, my stepmom greeted me kindly, and we talked, joked, and hung out like a regular family would. But her mask was quickly cracking and she couldn't keep up with the facade anymore. What happened afterwards made no sense no matter how many times I've thought about it. It started with a missing fruit knife. It was a cheap fruit knife of no value. She couldn't find it and insisted that I had lost it even though I never used a knife at their place. She screamed and yelled for hours and hours at my dad about how I lost the knife. I would be in my room and I could still hear every word clearly. This entire time, her eight year son (my half brother) was in the same room, watching his mom losing her mind. I couldn't understand why she was so angry about a missing fruit knife until I heard her scream "- and your daughter doesn't want me here either!"

I was beginning to grasp the situation then. She thought I didn't like her because she's not my biological mom, even though that wasn't the case at all. In the next few days, she refused to move from the sofa or do anything at all. Before she started going insane, we had planned to visit a historical site as part of the family vacation. The day before the trip, she told her son that she doesn't want to go anymore so he's not allowed to go either even though he wanted to. She screamed and yelled all night but the next morning, she was smiling, happy, and ready for us to all go as a family.

During the trip, she would constantly disappear along with her son. One moment we would all be walking together, and then suddenly they would vanish for 10 to 20 minutes.

After the trip, she went back to screaming her head off. Then suddenly she ran away. I would later find out that this is the third time she had done so. For every time I visited my dad in the past years, she would pretend to be kind to me until her hatred for me could no longer be contained and she would run away. She hated me because I was a constant reminder to her that my dad had once loved someone else. I was kept blissfully ignorant and told she was just visiting family every time.

This time, however, her son was left behind. Turns out all those times they kept disappearing during the family trip was when she would tell him lies about how I was a "spy" sent by my mother and grandma to ruin his family. And when his mother ran away, all of his fears came true. I was the evil foreigner who came and made his mother disappear. So he decided to take matters into his own hands and grabbed a kitchen knife to kill me.

My dad was sitting on the couch with me when my half brother tried to kill me. My dad was disturbingly calm during the entire event. My half brother explained that because his mom told him I have a black heart, I need to be destroyed. Meanwhile, my dad calmly explained that there has been a misunderstanding and left it at that. My dad said it was no big deal because his son would try to stab people all the time, so it was normal. I was freaked out, but my half brother had put the knife away so I thought maybe he understood that I'm not actually trying to ruin his family.

We went out to eat dinner right afterwards, the three of us, like a family. My half brother even fed me some fries so I thought everything had gone back to normal. Turns out he was a lot like his mother, kind and smiling until the mask comes off. My dad went to bed early right after dinner. I went to work on my webcomic, 1000 Words, which ironically was about how much pain divorce has on a child. Having gone through it myself, I would never wish that same fate upon my half brother. While I worked in the office, he came in and opened all the drawers. He dug out every single wedding photo of his mom and my dad and started shoving them in my face. I told him to stop because I need to work. He said "Ha! I knew it. This is proof that you want to ruin my family because you're jealous. Don't underestimate me. I know how to kill you."

At that moment, the phone rang. It was his mom. I told her my dad is asleep and that she needs to seriously reflect upon what her lies have done to her son. When she found out he had tried to kill me, she laughed and said "that's your dad's problem now."

At that point, I had had enough. I packed up all of my belongings while my dad slept and got ready to leave for my grandparent's place. Right before I got out the door, my step mom came back and grabbed my suitcase, refusing to let me go. Her crazed reasoning was that if I leave, my dad would be sad, and he would blame her for it so I'm not allowed to leave. I had to kick and claw myself away from her. I escaped in a taxi and arrived at my grandparent's place after midnight.

After I returned to America, my half brother would regularly hijack my dad's QQ acount (Chinese messenger) to send me pictures of bloody knives and bombs.

Years later, when I found out that my dad was denied by the US to visit me for my college graduation, many people asked why can't I just go back to see him in China. I had to explain that I'm not safe there so people suggested that I could meet my dad in another country and vacation together, just the two of us and safely away from the drama. I thought it was a great idea so I suggested it to him. He said no, because it's too "bothersome". He doesn't want his wife to get angry at him for seeing me, so he chickened out. I kept bringing up that I want to see him, so he finally said that he was "dying" so he doesn't have enough time left to see me. I cried, and cried even more when I found out he was completely lying to get out of seeing me. 

I stopped talking to him afterwards. I would later find out through my grandma that he was complaining about how I'm such a bad daughter who doesn't even call. How unlucky of me to have been born his daughter. If I had been born his son, I could try to kill my own sibling and still be loved more by him. 

Now that I'm back in China again, this time not to see him but to visit my grandparents, he wants to play father again. I got to see him once a month when I was a child, so there's a part of me that will always long to spend time with a father. But now that he's here, I can't forget all of the things that had happened. I can't enjoy my time with him. Every moment is filled with awkward silence. 

I don't know what to do anymore. I want to be happy this time. 



Add a Comment:
 
:icon2otaku:
2otaku Featured By Owner Edited Jun 30, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
The fact you were strong enough to share this story of a dark part of your life is proof you will survive and be stronger. Memories, good and bad, are important to you. You are strong enough to bear them all.

I wish you peace.

You are loved, remember that.
Reply
:iconzirro:
zirro Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2014
I'm going to be blunt. Your father doesn't deserve you. He hasn't defended you nor has he been there for you emotionally.

This is harsh, but I think the best move for you to is cut your father from your life, emotionally. I did that to my father when I was only 9years old, because I realised he was someone who would only hurt me if I'd respect and love him. He didn't even do any a specific thing, he just was neglecting, judgmental and a bit of an a-hole. There is a part of me that probably loves him still, maybe, I don't know. All I know is that I love and respect myself more.

I wish you strength and happiness no matter which path you choose. You are brave, brilliant and worthy of more from your family.
Reply
:icongakuenalice4ever:
GakuenAlice4Ever Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2014
I know this probably won't mean much, and I know you probably won't get around to reading this, but I just wanted to let you know that I will pray for you and your relations. You are an incredibly strong person to have made it through so much, but I do believe that God can help to mend your broken heart. He loves you. I just really wish that I could give you a hug right now.
Reply
:iconkawii-usagi-chan:
Kawii-Usagi-Chan Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2014
This really left me feeling cold! T T Don't let anyone who's done you wrong make you feel like you are anything less.  To me, there's nothing wrong with leaving people with poor intentions with guilt. There are cases, where those regardless of being family, that must be avoided if possible. Because they are likely to only bring more sorrow into your life. There's nothing wrong with leaving people to fade in the past. Whats most important is to focus on your own well being and healthy state of mind. Period!

I'm still struggling to wipe out the memories of bad people and events. Even tough I'm already a beloved wife and mother. It takes time ... a lot of time. I've had anxiety issues for most of my life. The only way it was cured was by running away, avoiding contact with any family members, travel across the U.S and live with someone I trust and start a new life. I had been extremely blessed in the end. But a majority of my luck was working to make things better for myself and stop being selfless for the sake of bad parents.

Sometimes, you have to be selfish. Especially when those around you will not change.  

You are a wonderful talented person and I wish all will be well for you. :)
Reply
:iconreitana123:
Reitana123 Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2014  New member Student Filmographer
This is devastating. I can't believe how strong you are and don't give up :) 
Reply
:iconivyshadowofash:
ivyshadowofash Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2014
I'm so sorry to hear this...anyone that doesn't like you must not be in their right mind...
Reply
:iconwriting-desk:
Writing-Desk Featured By Owner May 18, 2014
I'm sorry about your past.
I wish you luck in the present and future and hope you are able to obtain true happiness.
Reply
:icontoddntheshiningsword:
ToddNTheShiningSword Featured By Owner May 13, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I believe your father is pretending to dislike you in order to preserve family cohesion. I also believe that every time he says you're bad he breaks his own heart because it's a lie. 
I think his deepest fear is that if his son and his daughter are ever on the same continent, mortal combat will ensue, but he loves his son AND his daughter, and it's too late to stop his son from being corrupted, so he's doing what he believes he has to do as a father to keep you both alive. And that he really does love you and that's why he caved in when you returned to China.

I know you get a billion Comments, but I hope you get a minute to read mine, and although I should doubt my own correctness here, since it's your family, I hope that I am correct.
Reply
:icontoddntheshiningsword:
ToddNTheShiningSword Featured By Owner May 13, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I hope it worked out for you.
Also, I hope that he lied to you to protect the family, and not because he was chicken. It sounds to me that he thought that not seeing you was the only way to save the family, and that he was hurt by his own decision. I don't know your family, so I could be very wrong, but I hope I am right.
Reply
:iconpoofypink:
PoOfyPink Featured By Owner May 5, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
i'm So Sorry to Hear that ,, you Don't deserve That T____T ..
Reply
Add a Comment: