Looking back, looking onward

Thank you all for the caring words and understanding on my last post. I might not be able reply to each and every comment, but I did read all of them and they helped me a lot. It’s somehow very calming to know that despite being strangers on the internet, we are all capable of empathy, and that connection despite the distance is one of the many beauties of life. Thank you all again for being there when I’ve lost myself.

With the new year looming, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about everything that has happened, where my priorities are, and how to live a more balanced life. A lot has happened. Successes and failures.

A year ago in 2014, at this time, I was frantically trying to resolve the Axent Wear manufacturing issue. For those who missed the updates, I had designed these cat ear headphones many years ago, and with the amazing help of the backers, raised 3.4 million on Indiegogo to make them into a reality. My best friend at the time, and co-founder of Axent Wear (Victoria Hu), had promised to provide manufacturing for the headphones but when I actually visited the factory she had set up, I found out it was a horrendous sweatshop with workers breathing lead. I told her that was not acceptable and that she needed to provide a humane and environmental alternative. She initially agreed, but ended up ignoring me while I was stuck in China waiting for her replies. Communication completely broke down and we never recovered even after I returned to America to speak with her in person.

For the next half a year was a painful legal battle between her and I, that I honestly did not understand the purpose of. I wanted to just make the headphones in good quality for the backers, and she claimed the same, yet somehow nothing was agreed upon, and nothing was accomplished. For months she did not even allow me to make any official updates for the backers, threatening to sue me if I did (the company is 50/50 between her and I, so nothing can be done unless we both agree to it. It’s a terrible business setup in retrospect, though at the time I thought it seemed fair despite the headphones being 100% my idea).

The backers, many of which have been my fans and followers, felt so disappointed and betrayed by the silence and delays. I read their comments about how they lost trust in me, and I couldn’t even respond to them in fear of Victoria dragging on the legal battle. I could have taken her to court and let the justice system handle everything because I honestly believe she is in the wrong, but any lawsuit would drag on for years, and in that time none of the backers would be getting their headphones. So I sucked up my pride and just went along with whatever compromise she allowed that would still produce headphones. The final result is less than what I wanted, and less than what I think the backers deserve. I did everything I could, including spending tens of thousands of my own money on legal and consulting fees in hopes of making a difference, but it didn’t.

In the end I felt like a failure. I had put most of my art and my graphic novels on hold to work on Axent Wear, but somehow through the extreme highs of a successful crowdfunding, and the extreme stress of manufacturing, I lost my best friend, and lost the trust of a lot of my fans. Now that the headphones are finally out, I want to get back to my roots. I want to get back to just drawing and making comics about kite flyers and hackers. I still have to face the reality that my hands are not what they used to be, that I can’t just draw for hours and hours all day everyday without suffering constant pain. I had known this for years, and I had hoped that the money from the headphones would afford me helpers to speed up the comic making process, but that was a painful venture that caused more loss than gain in every way.

More recently, I discovered something that is more painful than losing my best friend, than all of the failure of Axent Wear combined. It’s a pain that I can’t put into words. I feel like I can never trust again, even though I know that’s not true, I can’t help but shrink away from people. I’m not trying to be vague, I just can’t bring myself to write more details. Right after my last post, I vomited repeatedly until I passed out. I’m not sure if it’s from the emotional pain and stress or just coincidental food poisoning, but I was not in a good place.

That was two weeks ago. I’m in a better place now. I haven’t been checking my e-mails or messages, but I will soon. I haven’t been posting art or tutorials, but I will soon. The pain is still here but the worst is gone and I will recover.

Looking onward to 2016, I have learned a lot from my past mistakes, and I will continue with my original goal of creating art and comics. I will create a Patreon account, and with enough support, I hope to speed up updates for Fisheye Placebo, and a remastered version of Knite too. I will continue to make art tutorials, more of the captioned speedpaints I’m already doing, and new voice over videos on specific techniques and topics. I will continue to go to as many conventions as I can, to hang out with old friends and to meet new friends as well. I will take responsibility for the mistakes I’ve made, be more cautious, and not give away my trust as easily; not to be cynical, just to be realistic. I will not be naive, I will not trust freely, I will trust responsibly. I will make the most of all the lessons life have given me, and face each day with new determination.