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About Varied / Professional Senior Member Wenqing YanFemale/United States Groups :iconknite-fliers: Knite-Fliers
Filled with Golden Stars
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Deviant for 12 Years
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Going to Anime Expo! I'll be in the Artist Alley at table A/B 37-38. See you there! :D 

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I finally realized that my traumatic past has been catching up to me. My unresolved fears and pain of abandonment as a child by my parents has seeped into my adult life. It triggers extreme reactions in me that drives people close to me away.

I like to pretend to be strong. That whatever comes at me in life, I'll just pull myself up again and get over it. I'd like to believe that what doesn't kill me makes me stronger. I'd like to pretend that if I somehow draw out pain, and put it on canvas, that the pain will be contained on canvas, and not deep inside me. But that's not true.

When I'm knocked down and broken, and left to pick up the pieces of myself, I lose a bit more of myself each time. Not everything can be glued back together again. And never stronger than before. I can't trust again. I'm afraid of people. I'm afraid of being close to anyone.

It's hard to get up each morning. I feel hopeless and helpless. It doesn't matter that everyone tells me otherwise. I don't feel that way. My friends reach out to me, but I don't want to see them or talk to them and I don't even know why. It hurts to see their kindness go to waste on me.

I feel lost and confused. No matter how hard I try, I keep getting knocked down again. The simple answer is to just get back up, but I can't just get back up indefinitely. I'm not that strong and the burden of being that strong shouldn't be put upon me.

I need time to heal. I need time to go back and face my unresolved past. I'm going to see a therapist. I need help because I can't help myself any longer.

I don't know when I'll post again. I started drawing Fisheye Placebo but I can't keep going right now. I used to say that "no matter what, the sun will shine, and there will always be a brighter tomorrow." But I don't believe that anymore, I don't believe in myself anymore.

I'm sorry I'm always letting everyone down. I'm sorry.

Feel and Conquer by yuumei
Feel and Conquer

YUUMEIART.COM:bulletred:FACEBOOK:bulletorange:TUMBLR:bulletyellow:TWITTER:bulletgreen:PIXIV:bulletblue:YOUTUBE

Captioned video tutorial of this piece can be found on my Youtube at youtu.be/RWd0xDWSi98


I spent some time reflecting on my life, from the dysfunctional family of my childhood to my current career as an artist, and how this path has shaped me.

I guess part of my recovery is just taking in my life experiences, my emotions, the happiness and the pain, and turn them into art. And through the process, I learn and understand just a little bit more about myself and the world around me.

Art has always been a powerful outlet that helped me and others communicate our ideas and emotions. For all the aspiring and young artists out there, don't let anyone discourage you. Be it random strangers on the internet or your own parents, no one knows you better than yourself, and no one lives your life except yourself. So don't ever let anyone take that away from you, your emotions, your art, your sense of self.

Draw for yourself, create for yourself, live for yourself.

What It Takes To Fly by yuumeiRe-Imagine by yuumeiThe Sky Beneath My Feet by yuumeiDread by yuumeiBoundless by yuumei

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Porcelain Lies by yuumei
Porcelain Lies
YUUMEIART.COM:bulletred:FACEBOOK:bulletorange:TUMBLR:bulletyellow:TWITTER:bulletgreen:PIXIV:bulletblue:YOUTUBE

These porcelain lies

Crafted with precision 
Fired with intention
Beautiful and frail 
All doomed to fail
In time the mask will shatter
And as the pieces scatter
You'll be left all alone 
With all the lies you've grown 
----------------------------------------

It's still hard for me to directly talk about what has been hurting me these past months. I have talked about how the issues with Axent Wear and my co-founder has been very painful for me in the past year, but I also mentioned that what I am going through right now is worse than that. I noticed there has been some confusion, and people are assuming the pain I'm going through now is caused by my co-founder, it's not. She has hurt me a lot, but she did not cause the current pain I feel. 

I can't bring myself to describe the details, so I'll give an analogy instead. Imagine a priest who always preaches about being loving and kind, about helping people and the world. Everyone looks up to this priest, trusting him. Then you find out he has been repeatedly molesting children, and using the good priest act to get away with it. Especially for the victims, they are left broken and confused, blaming themselves, thinking maybe they deserved it, because it can't possibly be the kind priest who can do no wrong. 

This is the kind of lies I've uncovered about someone close to me, and it's making me doubt everything. It's so hard to trust again, but I know I will in time. There will probably be a few more art pieces related to this event in my life, but please don't worry about me anymore. I am already okay. The process of healing for me is to turn that pain into art, and through that process I will have conquered it.

I'm Not Okay by yuumeiWhat It Takes To Fly by yuumeiCountdown by yuumeiThese Lies by yuumeiDread by yuumei
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Dreams Of Flight (speedpaint tutorial linked) by yuumei
Dreams Of Flight (speedpaint tutorial linked)
YUUMEIART.COM:bulletred:FACEBOOK:bulletorange:TUMBLR:bulletyellow:TWITTER:bulletgreen:PIXIV:bulletblue:YOUTUBE

I can dream. I can fly.

You can see a captioned speedpaint tutorial of the drawing here on my Youtube :) www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bVhG2…

-----

Happy (almost) New Year, everyone!

Thank you all again for the endless kindness and support in my last two posts. I am a lot better now, and while everything is not back to normal, I know the worst is over and it can only get brighter from here. I will be getting back to the flow of drawing and comics soon.

Here’s the cityscape aerial tutorial I promised. I meant to post this 2 weeks ago, sorry about the delay. Please let me know if you have any questions about any of the techniques. I’d be happy to explain further :)

In other news, I’ll be at SacAnime this New Year, Jan 1st - 3rd 2016, at the Sacramento Convention center in the Dealer’s Hall with my prints and books. I would love to see everyone again, and meet new con goers as well. I’d be happy to give more art advice in person or just chat and make new friends :) I hope to see you there!




The Sky Beneath My Feet by yuumeiRe-Imagine by yuumeiSaid the Stars by yuumeiBefore I Grow Up by yuumeiBoundless by yuumei
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Happy (almost) New Year, everyone!

Thank you all again for the endless kindness and support in my last two posts. I am a lot better now, and while everything is not back to normal, I know the worst is over and it can only get brighter from here. I will be getting back to the flow of drawing and comics soon.

Here’s the cityscape aerial tutorial I promised. I meant to post this 2 weeks ago, sorry about the delay. Please let me know if you have any questions about any of the techniques. I’d be happy to explain further :)

In other news, I’ll be at SacAnime this New Year, Jan 1st - 3rd 2016, at the Sacramento Convention center in the Dealer’s Hall with my prints and books. I would love to see everyone again, and meet new con goers as well. I’d be happy to give more art advice in person or just chat and make new friends :) I hope to see you there!



And in case you missed it, here are some other tutorials I've been posting on my Youtube channel.





I finally realized that my traumatic past has been catching up to me. My unresolved fears and pain of abandonment as a child by my parents has seeped into my adult life. It triggers extreme reactions in me that drives people close to me away.

I like to pretend to be strong. That whatever comes at me in life, I'll just pull myself up again and get over it. I'd like to believe that what doesn't kill me makes me stronger. I'd like to pretend that if I somehow draw out pain, and put it on canvas, that the pain will be contained on canvas, and not deep inside me. But that's not true.

When I'm knocked down and broken, and left to pick up the pieces of myself, I lose a bit more of myself each time. Not everything can be glued back together again. And never stronger than before. I can't trust again. I'm afraid of people. I'm afraid of being close to anyone.

It's hard to get up each morning. I feel hopeless and helpless. It doesn't matter that everyone tells me otherwise. I don't feel that way. My friends reach out to me, but I don't want to see them or talk to them and I don't even know why. It hurts to see their kindness go to waste on me.

I feel lost and confused. No matter how hard I try, I keep getting knocked down again. The simple answer is to just get back up, but I can't just get back up indefinitely. I'm not that strong and the burden of being that strong shouldn't be put upon me.

I need time to heal. I need time to go back and face my unresolved past. I'm going to see a therapist. I need help because I can't help myself any longer.

I don't know when I'll post again. I started drawing Fisheye Placebo but I can't keep going right now. I used to say that "no matter what, the sun will shine, and there will always be a brighter tomorrow." But I don't believe that anymore, I don't believe in myself anymore.

I'm sorry I'm always letting everyone down. I'm sorry.

deviantID

yuumei's Profile Picture
yuumei
Wenqing Yan
Artist | Professional | Varied
United States
The art and ramblings of a disillusioned idealist.

I'm a digital artist, graphic novelist, and UC Berkeley grad with a focus on environmentalism and cyber activism.
I've illustrated and authored numerous graphic novels and plushed a few books. I'm currently working on the Axent Wear cat ear headphones that I designed.

When I'm not drawing away or dealing with the unpleasant business side of running a headphones company, I enjoy sculpting, hiking, and experimenting with aquaponics.
Interests

Deviousness Award

Deviousness Award
yuumei has been a member of our community for over 10 years, and certainly made her mark throughout the digital art community during this time. Beautifully detailed and carefully matched color palettes make up her distinctive gallery of inspiring artwork. Yuumei's helpful tutorials and comments of encouragement to other artists have helped many artists grow, and therefore we can't think of a better way to recognize such a wonderful deviant than by bestowing the Deviousness Award for October 2013 to yuumei!
-awarded October 2013

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:iconamsboss:
amsboss Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2016
This is a wonderful article, Given so much info in it.
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:iconagothboyshadow:
AGothBoyShadow Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2016  New Deviant

Your art moves me cry sometimes while watching them , I love it
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:iconbakagummi:
Bakagummi Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2016  Student Digital Artist
<3
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:iconmangakiss:
Mangakiss Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2016  New Deviant
Blowkiss valentine fella (Love) 
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:iconlaughbutts:
LaughButts Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist
YOU DA BEST, GURL!
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:iconmangakiss:
Mangakiss Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2016  New Deviant
Blowkiss valentine fella (Love) 
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:iconchihaki:
chihaki Featured By Owner Edited Jan 25, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist
 tyt ;v; we all love you//
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:iconmangakiss:
Mangakiss Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2016  New Deviant
Blowkiss valentine fella (Love) 
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:iconshaozchampion:
ShaozChampion Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2016  Student Digital Artist
*puts a box with a <3 on your profile* Take your time yuumei. move at your own pace and remember that you are supported ^^
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:iconmangakiss:
Mangakiss Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2016  New Deviant
Blowkiss valentine fella (Love) 
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